Relationships are difficult at best and disparaging at their worse. We often times make them harder by not being honest with ourselves first and then our mates. People go into relationships with lots of fixed ideas that have no basis in fact.

Fear is often at the root of many these ideas, fear of being single forever, fear of being left alone, and fear of not having anyone to share your life with. While all of these and many others may be valid for getting a pet, they are not reasons to marry.  As humans we all have a natural desire for companionship. It’s a part of us to want to be with someone we love and care about. People come into our lives in varied ways, not all are meant to stay. Some are only there for a moment, others for a season, still others for a life time. It is important for us to identify who is short term and who is long term.  To figure this out can become quite a troublesome task. We many times would rather the short term be long term and vice versa.

We are not really adept at determining what is good for us, because we want what is good to us. If we are honest with ourselves the person we have decided is the long term maybe dropping all kind of hints that they are not ready to be long term with us or anyone else for that matter.

Unfortunately we ignore the signs that warn us we are headed for danger. Sometimes we are not really ready either but the fear of being alone will cause us to make decisions that will later come back to haunt us.

Being honest with ourselves is the first hurdle we have to know our inner workings to decipher where we are in our lives to ascertain if we are ready to commit.  If you know you are ready that’s still only half of the equation your mate has to be ready also.

Life affords most us frequent opportunities to choose someone who is ready for a committed relationship. More often than not we want someone who is irresponsible, immature, financially unstable, and emotionally unavailable. We want the fixer upper, we think. When we realize we have made an awful mistake then we want to point the finger and blame everyone but ourselves. Well we have to take responsibility for our decisions. After all we really weren’t wrong we just needed to learn more about ourselves. Relationships allow us to grow in understanding about who we are and what we want from those in our lives.  Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. You chose this person because you needed to learn something from them, the question now is did you learn it? If you learned your lesson you can go on to perhaps a more satisfying union, or be doomed to repeat the lesson.

This is a good time to start a journal.  Writing about our thoughts and emotions will bring a renewed vigor to your spirit. We will begin to see where we ignored the signs that we were being none too smart. People almost always show us who they really are long before we commit but we are blinded by love and the desire to control our destiny. 

It would have been great if we could be honest and just say “I don’t know what I want but I am willing to date and see if you are what I want in my life.” “Right now I am afraid of being left alone and lonely if you would like to stay around awhile that would be great but I can’t promise you anything.” ” If you want a monogamous relationship I will commit to that but should I meet someone I want to be with I will let you know and you can decide what you want to do.”

Tell me what’s wrong with that but no we would rather play these silly games of sneaking and hiding when it’s all going to come out eventually.  Why take someone you profess to care about through such pain. It doesn’t make sense when honesty is the best way to avoid hurting someone or being hurt.

I believe we have to learn to love ourselves before we can love another. Self-love is greatest relationship one can have, the one you have with you. Once you have learned to love yourself unconditionally then you can learn to love someone else unconditionally.

When we place demands on others or make ultimatums we destroy our relationships. People do not want a dictator. A true partnership is built on honesty, truth, love, and respect.  We are not born with a manual that describes how to establish a true partnership with another. We learn by the trial and error method what works and what doesn’t.  I believe it is important to play close attention to our interactions with our partners and not take anything for granted. Communication has to be free of underlying cynicism. Clear and concise statements of fact can help to ensure a message of care and concern. Once there is a breakdown in communication it is hard to repair. Once trust is an issue the relationship is very likely hopeless.

Finances are often at the center of many disagreements in a marriage. Who is responsible for paying the bills and balancing the checkbook are rarely topics of premarital conversations. It is imperative that we have this uncomfortable conversation before nuptials.  The undoing of countless unions have been attributed to the mishandling of household finances.

The Black Family as an entity has a lot more to lose as our marriages become battle grounds. We suffer tremendously from the breakdown of family life. It is in our genetic makeup to have a strong family attachment and we suffer gravely when theses attachments are severed.

The risk to children is great they often feel responsible and wish they had been more behaved maybe that would have saved the marriage. We as adults know there is nothing they could have done to save the union but it is difficult for them to reconcile.

Additionally making decisions that affect the entire family should be made as a result of family discussion not arbitrarily. Though the final decision is yours to make involving the stakeholders will always serve you well.

In the final analysis relationships like individuals are complex, varied, and no one template will fit them all but there are some guiding principles that will help to navigate most issues. I wish you all the best with your chosen mates and as saying goes “I am alone but not lonely.”